


Repetition

by Asterix_Acta



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-21
Updated: 2010-09-21
Packaged: 2017-10-12 01:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/119391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asterix_Acta/pseuds/Asterix_Acta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xena readies herself to use old tactics to handle a challenge to her willpower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Repetition

**Author's Note:**

> You know these characters aren't mine. I hate to leave it hanging like this, but it came to me all in a flash and this was how it wanted to be written. You decide what happens afterwards. If you have any comments, let me have 'em at Asterix.Acta@gmail.com.

                Since I gave up my old ways, I’ve tried so hard to stay in touch with how I really feel. Gabrielle reminds me it’s the only way to keep me from dissociating from myself and becoming the harsh machine I was before. After so much practice, I find it easy to decide that I don’t care, to decide how I’m going to act and then do it – cold rationalization replacing feeling. I wonder what she would say if she knew that those old tricks are what keep me sane around her sometimes. I can’t let go of them completely or I’ll lose my resolve.

                I’ve never been afraid like this before, afraid in this same way. It’s not that I think Gabrielle would say no – in fact, I know for certain she’d say yes. And that’s the problem. She’d say yes because she cares for me, and she wants what I could give her… but I can’t give her only what she needs. To take my heart she would have to take the rest of me too, the horrible parts that will never leave. I can’t put that burden on her. I tell myself to be ignorant of her advances and so I am. I am. If I say it enough times it will be true.

                I spur Argo down the trail ahead of her, ostensibly to scout but really just to get away for a moment. I know what’s going to happen tonight. Even if we dawdle, we’ll reach Abdera by sundown, and after so many days’ hard travel I could never deny Gabrielle a stay at the inn. While I tend to Argo at the stables, she’ll bargain with the innkeeper for what she deems essential: dinner, a warm bath, and a real bed. One bed of course.

                It’s like being caught again in that repeating day. I can see possibilities spool out to form the warp and weave ahead of me, different each time but always the same. After dinner, Gabrielle will let me bathe first, and watch me half-hidden as I wash myself. I will not see it. Then she will have a luxurious soak as I dress and start to tend to the maintenance of my arms and armor. Perhaps, as has happened once or twice before, I’ll be so absorbed in my task that she’ll take the opportunity for some relief. If so, it won’t take long. Focused concentration will keep the whetstone from skipping off my sword as I hear her strangled gasp. I will certainly not check to see if she is looking at me as she comes.

                Gabrielle will wait until I go to bed to leave the rapidly cooling bathtub. Knowing this, I’ll put my things in order and settle down facing the wall, evening out my breathing to approximate sleep. Soon, I’ll feel the creak of the bed and a warmth at my back as she climbs in behind me. She’ll watch my face, maybe stroke my hair, possibly even brush a kiss against my cheek. My breathing will be steady and deep. Again as every time Gabrielle will sigh and press up against my back, face buried in my hair. I will not know that she is naked, even when she throws an arm around me in her slumber. I will not. Eventually, sleep will come for me.

                The sharp snap and rustle of Argo plucking leaves off a nearby tree shakes me out of my reverie and I realize that, unguided, she has slowed to a leisurely walk. I pull her up, then look back to Gabrielle behind me on the trail. I answer the question on her face with a smile, making her think that I stopped on purpose. “Okay down there?”

                She smiles back, all green eyes and golden hair. “Not much further to Abdera! It’ll be nice to sleep in a real bed. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like!” She is so beautiful, so lighthearted. I don’t gaze up and down her form as she passes me.

                I will be ignorant. It will be true. It is true.

                If I say it enough times.


End file.
